BREAKING THE CYCLE OF ABUSE
By Beverly Engel

You decide to do something, perform one small action, and suddenly it’s a tide, the momentum is going, and there’s no possibility of turning back. Somehow, even though you thought you foresaw all that would happen, you didn’t know the pace would pick up so.

Amanda Cross

If you think about it, breaking the cycle of neglect and abuse is one of the most significant endeavors any of us will ever embark on in our lifetime. This is especially true for those who were emotionally, physically or sexually abused as children and for those who have been emotionally or physically abused as an adult. There is no greater gift to give to oneself, one’s intimate partners or to one’s children than to stop passing on to others the abuse or neglect that we ourselves have experienced.

Abuse and neglect never occur in a vacuum. When a child is emotionally, physically, or sexually abused it not only damages the child but it damages the offspring of that child. It damages other members of the child’s family—particularly his or her siblings. The same holds true of spousal abuse. When a man beats his wife he is also damaging his children—and his children’s children. The same is true when one partner emotionally abuses his or her spouse in front of their children.

Domestic violence and emotional abuse in adult relationships damage more relationships and more lives than anyone can imagine. Domestic violence is a national tragedy of staggering proportions—up to six million women are believed to be beaten in their homes each year, four million incidents are reported.

If we ever hope to bring more peace into our world, we must start by ending the emotional and physical violence that occurs in our homes. Having made the connection between childhood abuse and adult abuse and violence, we need only expand this knowledge to help us understand the violence that occurs in our communities. Children who are neglected or abused are far more likely to become either bullies in school or the victims of bullies. Many of the students who have taken up arms at school were found to have been the target of vicious bullying by their classmates. And we know that a majority of those in prison for violent crimes were emotionally, physically or sexually abused as children. Those who are mistreated perpetuate a culture of violence that affects us all. Therefore the work we do on breaking the cycle of abuse in our own families will have even greater ramifications for society at large.

If you were emotionally, physically or sexually abused as a child or adolescent, or if you experienced neglect or abandonment, it isn’t a question of whether you will continue the cycle of abuse or neglect, it is a question of how you will do so—whether you will become an abuser or continue to be a victim. The sad truth is that no one gets through an abusive or neglectful childhood unscathed and an even sadder truth that no one escapes without perpetuating the cycle of violence in some way. In many cases, those who were abused or neglected become both abusers and victims throughout their lifetimes. Although this may sound unnecessarily negative to you, it is the truth. Research clearly shows that those who have been abused either absorb abuse or pass it on. In the past twenty-five years studies on abuse and family assaults strongly suggest that abused children become abusers themselves and that child victims of violence become violent adults. Individuals with a history of childhood abuse are four times more likely to assault family members or sexual partners than are individuals without such a history. Females who have a history of being abused in childhood are far more likely to continue being victimized as adults.

Most of you who are reading this are aware that there is a risk that you will repeat what was done to you in some way. And for many of you, that risk has already become a reality. You’ve already begun to abuse your partner, neglect or abuse your children or other people’s children, or abuse your employees or coworkers. You’ve already been emotionally or physically abused by at least one partner and perhaps already established a pattern of being re-victimized in the same ways you were as a child.

From a Legacy of Pain to a Legacy of Hope

If we are honest, most of us remember moments when we heard or saw ourselves interacting with our partner, our children or someone else close to us in ways that are far too reminiscent of the way we ourselves were treated as a child. We usually react to these moments with disbelief and horror: "Oh, my God, I sound just like my mother," or "I can’t believe I’m acting just like my father." We simply cannot believe that we have repeated the very behaviors we despised in our parents.

The truth is we all bring with us the legacy of our childhood—whether it is security and nurturing or abandonment and neglect, guidance and respect or abuse and disdain. In fact, we carry the legacy of not only our own childhood but also the childhood of our parents and their parents before them. Unfortunately, often times this legacy is a legacy of pain. Although many parents try to treat their children better than they themselves were treated, generation after generation of people continue to pass down emotional, physical and sexual abuse to their children and their children’s children.

We also repeat the legacy of pain by reenacting the abuse we experienced at the hands of those other than our parents. Those who were sexually abused as children—whether it is by parents, other caretakers or authority figures, siblings, or older children—tend to either reenact the abuse they experienced by introducing younger children to sex, by becoming child molesters when they become adults, or by being continually re-victimized as adults. Research shows that children who are sexually abused tend to act out their anger and rage by becoming bullies, torturing animals, and abusing other children. Adult females often reenact their abuse by becoming strippers and prostitutes, while adult males often become sex addicts who make unreasonable demands on their females partners.

The Less Obvious Legacies of Abuse and Neglect

There are also more subtle legacies of abuse and neglect. For example, those with such a history are often unable to see their partner, children and even their coworkers clearly. Instead they see them through a distorted lens of fear, distrust, anger, pain and shame. They see ridicule, rejection, betrayal and abandonment when it really isn’t there. Their low self-esteem will cause them to be hypersensitive and to take things far too personally. And they will likely have control issues causing them to either have a need to dominate others or to be far too easily dominated by others. Those with a history of neglect or abuse are often unable to trust their partners. Instead they repeat the past dramas of their parents and perceive their partners as enemies instead of allies. Those who become parents find that it is difficult to see their own children’s needs and pain without being reminded of their own. They also find it difficult to allow their children to make a mistake without taking it as a personal affront or a sign that they are not a good parent. In work environments past dramas with their parents and siblings get reenacted with bosses and coworkers.

Think about the effect the neglect or abuse you experienced has had on you. How has it affected the way you view yourself and the way you view others? What kind of a legacy are you going to pass on to your children and your children’s children? While these may be depressing or even frightening thoughts, there is a way out of the seemingly endless cycle of abuse and neglect. There are coping skills that can be adopted, positive ways of dealing with anger and shame that can be learned, and ways to make up for the personality deficits that usually accompany experiences of neglect and abuse. There are ways for you to confront your pain, anger, fear and shame directly so you do not have to transfer it to your partner, your children, your friends or your coworkers. Last, but certainly not least, there are ways to break into an abusive or neglectful family system, expose it for what it is, and repair the damage so that one more generation of children do not grow up to either become an abuser or a victim.

How Do You Break the Cycle?

There isn’t just one way to break the cycle—there are many, including:

• Making the connection between your current behavior and your childhood history of neglect or abuse. This will require many of you to come out of denial once and for all about exactly what was done to you as a child and the impact it has had on your life.
• Placing what was done to you in the context of your family history. As you explore your family history many of you will be shocked to learn that such things as alcoholism, child abuse, child abandonment, domestic violence, depression and other emotional problems, and criminal behavior have been in your family going back many decades.
• Learning to manage your emotions—especially the emotions of shame, anger and fear.
• Changing the negative attitudes and beliefs that create a victim or abuser mentality.
• Choosing intimate partners who are capable of having an equal relationship
• Learning healthy ways of resolving conflicts in your intimate relationships
• Deciding whether you are a good candidate to become a parent
• Learning parenting skills that will ensure that you will not become an abusive parent and pass on neglectful or abusive family patterns.
• Continuing to work on healing from the abuse or neglect you experienced.
• Working on individuating from your parents and other caretakers.
• Breaking into your dysfunctional family system to help make sure that other family members do not harm your children or continue to treat you in damaging ways.

If we are to truly break the cycle of abuse we must remove the stigma that is attached to being a victim or a victimizer. No one consciously sets out to become an abusive person. Neither does anyone set out to become a victim. We are propelled into these patterns by our upbringing, by our own experiences of trauma and neglect and by our inability to work through this trauma and neglect. Getting stuck in blame and shame will only hamper your progress in breaking the cycle and will serve no positive function.

Given the right amount of support, education and strategies, anyone can break the cycle.

* This article was adapted from the introduction and first chapter of my newest book, Breaking the Cycle of Abuse: Moving From An Abusive Past to Create an Abuse-Free Future. I’ve written many books on abuse but none are more important than this book.

BEVERLY’S NEWS

UPCOMING WORKSHOP: INCREASING YOUR EMOTIONAL FITNESS

You probably work hard to keep yourself physically fit—but what about your emotional health? Do you put much effort into staying emotionally fit? Research shows that there is a powerful connection between the state of our emotions and our physical well-being. If we don’t know how to address and manage our emotions we can become overwhelmed, stressed, anxious, depressed, argumentative or even explosive. Learning to manage your emotions is one of the most effective ways to avoid becoming abusive.

In this workshop you will learn:

	A process to help you "check-in" with your emotions on a daily basis.
	How to identify anger, fear, sadness and guilt and clear it from your body.

• How to discover the "message" each emotion conveys.

• How to deal with so-called "negative" emotions in a non-reactive, mindful way.
• How to handle work-related stress and burnout.
• How to cope with the stress of the holidays.
• How to identify unhealthy anger styles (i.e. aggressive, passive, passive-

aggressive) and replace them with a healthy anger style.

DATE: Saturday, November 19, 2005 TIME: 10:00—4:00

PLACE: Satori Lifestyle Center at Avila Bay Club, Avila Beach, CA.

COST: $80.00, includes light lunch.

TO MAKE RESERVATIONS: Call Beverly Engel at (805)528-7544 or the Satori Center at: 595-7600 ext.223. or email Beverly at: www.beverlyengel.com

UPCOMING EVENT

Email Forum: Truly Preventing Domestic Violence

Beverly has been asked to be a panelist in this email forum along with other experts, including Robert Enright, Ph.D (noted forgiveness researcher and author) and Warren Farrell, Ph.D bestselling author. The event starts Friday, Nov.11 and concludes midnite the following Friday. I will pass on the results of this groundbreaking conversation. Sponsored by: The Simple Society Alliance for Human Empowerment.

I hope you enjoyed this issue of Working Together to Create an Abuse-Free Future.

Beverly Engel

To find out more about Beverly Engel, go to http://www.beverlyengel.com

Working Together, copyright, Beverly Engel. All rights reserved.

Excerpts from this e-zine may be distributed or reproduced as long as you include the author, the copyright and the sentence, "Beverly Engel is the author of Working Together to Create an Abuse-Free Future. You can sign up for her free electronic newsletter by visiting www.beverlyengel.com

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