Hello everyone,
Thanks to everyone who emailed telling me how much you enjoyed last month’s article. Some of you also shared some of your own stories of how you found ways to take care of yourself during the holidays. One person shared what I thought was a particularly
helpful idea:
“I end up feeling far too guilty if I don’t go home for Christmas so last year I devised this plan. Since it is my little girl who gets so hurt around my mother and father, I have a special Christmas celebration for my little girl before I go home. I make the house really festive looking and have lots of goodies around for her to eat. I wrap lots of presents for her to unwrap (mostly little toys, stuffed animals, etc. that I know she’ll like) and put them under the tree. In the afternoon I invite over a friend who is also in therapy and we sit around and watch our little girls’ favorite videos and eat popcorn. By the time I go to my parents’ house I’ve already had my Christmas the way I like it and I am not so disappointed in the way they treat me (basically ignoring me most of the time—its all about them).”
I think this is a great idea. The only thing I would add is that it is important that we take our adult to see our parents. Meaning that if we see our family of origin in a child’s frame of mind we are likely to get our feelings hurt and feel the pain we felt as a child all over again. But if we go in an adult frame of mind, reminding ourselves that we are now responsible for taking care of our own needs, we are far less likely to be triggered by old hurts. This may mean “leaving your child at home” where she or he is safe.
In the News from Beverly segment I include announcements of upcoming events, workshops or conferences relevant to the treatment or prevention of abuse. Feel free to send me announcements you feel readers will find of interest. I cannot guarantee I can include them all but I will do my best to include what I feel is relevant. I will also announce my own upcoming workshops and books. I ask that you order books directly from www.Amazon.com  or www.BarnesandNoble.com  as I do not sell individual books directly to readers. If you would like to attend a workshop, feel free to email me directly at beverly@beverlyengel.com  .
 

Please forward this ezine to anyone you know who is interested in preventing or healing childhood emotional, physical or sexual abuse or emotional, physical or sexual abuse in adult relationships. If you are receiving this issue as a forward, and would like your own no-cost subscription please follow the instructions at the end of this newsletter.

PRIVACY POLICY: I will never rent, sell or trade your name to anyone for any reason. Thank you for trusting me with your personal information.

OUT WITH THE OLD, IN WITH THE NEW
By Beverly Engel

“Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.”

Soren Kierkegaard

One of the main reasons why this time of the year is always special for me is because it is a time to catch up with old friends, let them know I am thinking about them and find out what is happening in their life. Another reason it is special is that it encourages me to reflect on what has transpired during the past year, think about the lessons that came with each event, and make my plans for the coming year. I usually set aside several hours, sometimes a whole day for reflection and planning. Here are some of the things I include in my review of the year:
· I make a list of the most significant events that occurred in the past year. Time moves so quickly for most of us that taking the time to reflect on what transpired during the year can actually feel like we have slowed time down for a bit. It also reminds me of just how much I do accomplish during the year (I don’t know about you but I tend to always feel like I don’t do enough). Most important, it is a good way to quiet our inner critic by reminding ourselves of what we've had to cope with and overcome during the year.
· I then write down what brought me the most joy. Moments of joy tend to get lost among all the problems and stresses of daily life. Listing my experiences of joy tends to bring back those feelings for me and reminds me that this is what was really important about the year, not so much what I accomplished.
· Then I move on to making a list of the ways I have grown and the lessons I have learned. This is always my most important list and the hardest. I really take my time reflecting on the lessons that came from hardships. I make a point of giving myself credit for how I have grown and changed. This serves to make me feel good about myself and to feel optimistic about the coming year.

If you don’t do some version of a year review I suggest you try it. Each of these lists brings up memories and feelings and sometimes I write about these in my journal. Remembering the joyous times and noting the lessons learned can make life seem much more meaningful.
I also take this time to set my intentions for the coming year. Setting intentions is somewhat different from making New Year’s resolutions. When we set our intention to do something we actually see ourselves doing it and we set up a specific plan for accomplishing it. This can make intentions much more powerful. And unlike New Year’s resolutions, that tend to be forgotten within a week, setting our intention can be an ongoing. You can remind yourself of your intentions daily or weekly, making it much more likely that you will actually achieve them. We often give up on our New Year’s resolutions as soon as we “fall off the wagon,” whereas with an intention we simply bring our goal back into focus and renew our commitment to making it happen. Make sure your intentions are realistic, otherwise, you can set yourself up for disappointment.
One thing I like to do is to create a collage for the coming year. I cut out images from magazines that represent aspects of the life I wish to create. I’m not sure if I believe that creating a collage can actually make something happen (although I have heard from many people who say that it has worked for them) but it does help me cement my intentions firmly in my mind.
In the last issue of this ezine I shared with you one of my favorite New Year’s rituals: Think about one or two values that you would like to strengthen in the coming year. Examples of values you might consider are: honestly, courage, patience, empathy and forgiveness. You can simply state your intention to strengthen these values by writing them down in your journal along with the reasons why you want to focus on them. Or, you may wish to make a little sign to put up somewhere in your home, office or car as a way to remind you to focus on strengthening these values. You may also choose to share this ritual with friends or relatives by having each person share which values they are going to focus on in the coming year.
Of course, my strongest intention every year is to make sure that I treat others with respect and that I am not abusive in any way. I hope that you make this one of your intentions as well since this is such an important aspect of Breaking the Cycle of Abuse. The same goes for expecting others to treat you with respect and not allowing others to abuse you in any way.
May the coming year bring you much joy, love, good health and many, many lessons.

“That which we are, we are, and if we are ever to be any better, now is the time to begin.”
Alfred Lord Tennyson

BEVERLY’S NEWS

Correction and addition. In my November ezine I shared with you that Sherie Angevine, a longtime supporter from Canada, sent me the following information and asked that I pass it on to my readers. I neglected to tell you that Sherie is a former public health nurse (Dalhousie University 1965) and health care reform advocate. She’s been sharing HPV information with many professionals including colleagues, politicians, health reporters, educators, researchers, cancer associations and physicians since 1996, when, by chance she read a U.S. National Institutes of Health Expert Consensus Panel Statement that identified high risk types of HPV as the cause of cervical cancer. Since then, a large body of medical evidence has accumulated which identifies various types of HPV in the etiology of a wide range of cancers.
It also seems that the article was not registering properly on my web site—only the general PubMed search page appeared. The ID number near the end is necessary for retrieval. Unfortunately, sometimes things go wrong when they are forwarded.
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez/query.fcgi?cmd=Retrive&db=pubmed&dopt=Abstract&list_uids=16222323&query_hl=6

“Sexual abuse causes emotional trauma, but it can also result in the development of cancer. This abstract contributes to the existing literature in suggesting an association between HPV and breast cancer. Merck’s new HPV vaccine targets HPV 16 and 18, which are cited in this study. Canadian news services recently highlighted the impressive performance of this prophylactic HPV vaccine. I hope it received coverage in the US, as well. There are therapeutic HPV vaccines in development, but I have been unable to determine if the work is receiving adequate funding—antivirals may also warrant additional financial support. Meanwhile, most people have never heard of HPV. I sense that it’s important to share information with others, since politicians may need some prodding.”

Look for BREAKING THE CYCLE OF ABUSE NOW IN PAPERBACK

“A beacon of hope for women and men who fear that they will pass the abuse they have suffered on to their children, partners, or employees. Humane and compassionate but also clear and down to earth, this is a wonderful contribution to the literature of healing.”

LUNDY BANCROFT, author of Why Does He Do That? and When Dad
Hurts Mom


“In this remarkably powerful, wise and compassionate book, Beverly Engel leads readers step by step through a program that will help survivors of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse in childhood to heal from their wounds so they don’t need to re-enact their abusive pasts. She offers expert advice and strategies to help parents and would-be parents avoid doing to their children what was done to them and helps both abusers and victims in emotionally and physically abusive relationships make vitally important changes in their relationships.”

SUSAN FORWARD, author of Toxic Parents and Emotional Blackmail

I hope you enjoyed this issue of Working Together to Create an Abuse-Free Future.

Beverly Engel

To find out more about Beverly Engel, go to http://www.beverlyengel.com

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