IDENTIFYING AND COUNTERING NEGATIVE CORE BELIEFS

“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me,” I was taught; one more lie among many. In truth words penetrate the unlidded eye and land in the spirit. Words carry hatred and passion and love and fear. Words have the power to shoot down or raise up. Sharp cutting words can whirl for years afterward like the rotating blades of a lawn mower.

—Louise M. Wisechild, The Mother I Carry

In this issue I want to focus on the negative effects of emotional abuse on children and how we carry the negative messages we receive from this form of abuse into our adult life.

If a child is constantly told “You’re no good,” he ends up believing it. If he is told he will never amount to anything, he will most likely grow up to prove his parents right. Children who were emotionally abused or deprived almost always internalize the negative parental messages they received. In order to eliminate these negative internal messages we need to identify their presence.

Parents communicate negative messages to their children in various ways. Some are overtly critical of their child or his behavior. Comments like, “You’re stupid,” “You’re a lost cause,” and “You’re an embarrassment to me” are common examples of messages passed on by emotionally abusive parents. Other kinds of negative and debilitating beliefs are communicated in less obvious ways. For example, in response to the rejection or abandonment you experienced as a child you may have come to see yourself as unworthy or flawed. If your parents did not mirror back your value you find it difficult to see value in yourself.

In my case my mother passed on to me the negative core belief that I did not deserve good things. Whenever good things happened to me when I was a little girl my mother would either warn me that something bad was going to happen or she would do something to make me feel bad.

The most powerful experience of this occurring was when I was 15 and a junior in high school. My first two years in high school hadn’t been very good for me. I had transferred from another school district and didn’t know very many people. Because we were poor and my mother hadn’t taught me how to take care of myself I didn’t look as good as I could have. But by my junior year I had learned a little from classes in Home Economics and from watching how the other girls dressed and I began to dress more appropriately. I made some new friends and I was doing well in school and had gained the respect of some of the more popular kids in my classes. When two seniors asked me to join their YWCA club I was honored. Things were definitely looking up.

On this particular day, I was feeling especially great. My English teacher had complimented me in front of the entire class on an essay I had written. She said I was a very good writer and that I should seriously consider it as a career. I remember feeling so proud. Later, after school, I was elected President of my YWCA club. Again, this was incredible validation for me.

I sailed all the way home, buoyed up my success and validation. I re-lived the experience of my teacher praising me over and over in my head and felt the warm glow of acceptance and admiration from my club members. It was my mother’s day off and so I bounded into the apartment, eager to tell her about both of my successes. I don’t remember what she said about them—certainly she did not praise me or tell me anything positive.

I telephoned my best friend about what had happened in class. I continued to feel good about myself for the rest of the afternoon and into the evening. I don’t know how I was acting but clearly my mother didn’t like it. All I do remember is that in one of my trips past my mother, who was sitting on the couch drinking beer, she said to me, “You really think you’re something, don’t you?” I stopped short, not knowing what she was talking about. “You really think you’re something because your teacher praised you and because you’re President of your stupid club. Well, let me tell you something. Let me tell you who you really are,” she said in a mocking tone.” “You’re illegitimate. You were an unwanted child who ruined my life.”

I stood there shocked, not quite comprehending what she was telling me, but feeling wounded by her words. The word, “illegitimate” rang in my ears. In those days, the mid 60’s, being an illegitimate child was still very shameful. I remember feeling as if I was going to pass out as shame passed over me like a dark cloud.

I sank to the couch and she proceeded to tell me, for the first time, the truth about my father and my birth. As she explained, I was in fact, illegitimate—my mother was not married to my father when I was conceived. She was actually still legally married to another man, even though she had deserted him. She never told my father about me but left town as soon as she discovered she was pregnant. In the moments that followed, my entire concept of who I was changed. I had always felt different and less than others because I had no father, because my mother was so much older than other mothers and because we were so poor. Now I had another reason to feel inadequate. Now I was illegitimate. And even though I had always felt unwanted and guilty about my existence, now it was confirmed—I was unwanted and I had ruined my mother’s life. Needless to say, all the good feelings I’d had about being acknowledged that day had absolutely disappeared. Although my mother had not physically slapped me in the face this time, I felt slapped “down to size,” nevertheless.

The juxtaposition of the events of this day had a profound effect on me. For many, many years I could not experience joy or the feeling of success without fearing that something bad was going to happen to me—that I was going to get “slapped down to size.”
Negative parental messages like the one I received from my mother cause us to develop certain core beliefs about life and about ourselves, including basic assumptions about our value in the world. Core beliefs about yourself can determine to what degree you perceive yourself as worthy, competent, loved, safe, powerful and autonomous. The core belief I developed from experiences with my mother such as the above example was that I didn’t deserve good things. After all, “who did I think I was?” as my mother had said. This belief colored my perceptions of myself to such an extreme extent that whenever something good happened to me I immediately sabotaged it in some way.

Examples of Negative Core Beliefs

Negative beliefs and negative thought patterns can continue to affect your identity and self-concept unless you consciously work on changing them. Below are some other common examples of thought patterns that those who were deprived and/or emotionally abused (as well as other forms of abuse) have. The underlying beliefs that support these thoughts patterns are in italics. Make a note of any of the above negative beliefs that you relate to.
 

1. I can never trust that anything good will last. It will either end or go away.
People are not trustworthy and neither is life—both will disappoint you and let you down.

2. I have no control over my life or what happens to me. I just have to accept whatever happens and try to make the best of it. What I said or did never stopped my parents (or other caregivers) from abusing me. Nothing I say or do makes a difference, so why bother?

3. I am helpless to affect changes in my life. I was a victim in my childhood and will always be a victim.

4. I am to blame for the pain I feel and for my problems. If I had not done things to make my parent(s) angry or done things wrong I wouldn’t have been punished.

5. The only time I feel good about myself is when I am giving to other people or helping
other people. The only value I have is what I can do for others.

6. I cannot be assertive because then other people will not like me. If you speak up about what you need other people will think you are selfish.

7. I should never tell anyone when I feel hurt, disappointed or angry because I will make the other person feel hurt or angry. I am responsible for other people’s feelings.

8. You should never talk about what goes on in your family because you are being disloyal. Secrets are to be kept and never talked about—even with other family members.

9. I can’t trust my perceptions. My parents always told me that what I thought or believed was wrong.

Core beliefs about yourself are the foundation of your self-esteem. To a large degree, they dictate what you can and cannot do—in other words they form the basis of the rules you live your life by. Generally speaking, negative core beliefs dictate what you can’t do, for example, “I shouldn’t even bother to get that job. No one is going to want to hire me because I’m not a good communicator.” On the other hand, positive core beliefs encourage you by affirming your abilities--- as in, “I know I can pass this course. I’m smart and I’m capable of learning even difficult concepts if I put my mind to it.”

Negative parental messages also set us up to have unreasonable expectations of ourselves and others. In my case, I desperately wanted the approval of others (especially my mother). I came to believe that if I was exceptionally “good” I would finally get that approval. This led me to have unreasonable expectations of myself in terms of how hard I worked at being a good person and at achieving success.

Exercise: Your Core Beliefs

1. Think about the way your parent(s) treated you as a child. Based on this treatment, what false beliefs and unreasonable expectations of yourself and life do you think you developed? Completing the following sentences will help you become clearer.

When my father _____(i.e. “ignored me”, “criticized me”) it led me to believe that
 I_____(i.e. “am unimportant,” “am incompetent”).

2. Continue to complete this sentence until you have no more responses.

When my father__________it led me to believe that I _____________.

When my father __________it led me to believe that I _____________.

3. Now complete the sentence below, again continue until you have no more responses.

When my mother _____(i.e. “expected too much of me,” “)

it led me to ____________(“expect too much of myself”).

4. Make a list of the beliefs you developed due to your parents treatment of you when you were growing up. Using your answers from the sentence completion exercise and the examples of negative beliefs from above make a list of the beliefs you developed due to your parents’ treatment of you when you were growing up.

5. Make a separate list of the unreasonable expectations you have based on the ways your parents treated you and your early childhood experiences.

Identifying these false beliefs and unreasonable expectations is the first step to exorcising them out of your mind. Changing your core beliefs can take a great deal time and effort but it is definitely worth it. By doing so you will be able to alter your view of yourself and the world in a significant way. Having emotionally abusive parents is like looking at yourself in a funhouse mirror, causing you to see yourself in a distorted way. Getting rid of negative core beliefs about yourself is like replacing the funhouse mirror with a non-distorting one. You are finally able to see yourself as you really are.

We must never allow other people’s limited perceptions to define us.

I will be presenting two workshops at the:

2006 ANNUAL PREVENT CHILD ABUSE AND NEGLECT CONFERENCE
April 25-27th, Helena, Montana

“Breaking the Cycle of Abuse: Healing and Prevention” and “Parenting the Sexually Abused Child”

I am also teaching a weekend course on “Understanding Emotional Abuse”  at the University of Montana-Western on April 22 and 23rd.

If you live in Northern California you may wish to attend the
12TH ANNUAL NORTHERN CALIFORNIA CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE CONFERENCE
April 2—203 E. 14th St. Davis, CA. - No cost, no registration.
April 4—Sierra Health Foundation, 1321 Garden Highway, Sacramento - $100

I hope you enjoyed this issue of Working Together to Create an Abuse-Free Future.

To find out more about Beverly Engel, go to http://www.beverlyengel.com

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