WORKING TOGETHER TO CREATE AN ABUSE-FREE FUTURE
8/11/06
Publisher: Beverly Engel
www.beverlyengel.com

Hello everyone,

I took a much-needed break from writing the ezine and from writing in general last month. Every once in awhile I just don't feel inspired and last month was one of those times. Instead of pushing myself to get something out I decided to allow myself time to become re-inspired.

This month's article will seem like somewhat of a departure for me but you will see how it is actually connected to all the work I do. Like many of you, I have been touched and deeply troubled by the current violence in Lebanon and Israel and the recent attempt to blow up planes flying from the UK to the US. It is a very frightening and sad situation in addition to the Iraqi War and the current situation in North Korea.

As some of you know, I am deeply involved with and committed to the idea that meeting in circles offers us a source of wisdom, important lessons in patience, tolerance, and compassion and an alternative to violence. Please note the information and announcements regarding an upcoming circle training in the Announcements section of this ezine. In the News from Beverly segment I include announcements. Please feel free to send me announcements you feel readers will find of interest. I cannot guarantee I can include them all but I will do my best to include what I feel is relevant. I will also announce my own upcoming workshops and books. I ask that you order books directly from Amazon.com or BarnesandNoble.com as I do not sell individual books directly to readers. If you would like to attend a workshop, feel free to email me directly at beverly@beverlyengel.com . 

In the News from Beverly segment I include announcements. Please feel free to send me announcements you feel readers will find of interest. I cannot guarantee I can include them all but I will do my best to include what I feel is relevant. I will also announce my own upcoming workshops and books. I ask that you order books directly from Amazon.com or BarnesandNoble.com as I do not sell individual books directly to readers. If you would like to attend a workshop, feel free to email me directly at beverly@beverlyengel.com .

Please forward this ezine to anyone you know who is interested in preventing or healing childhood emotional, physical or sexual abuse or emotional, physical or sexual abuse in adult relationships. If you are receiving this issue as a forward, and would like your own no-cost subscription please follow the instructions at the end of this newsletter.

PRIVACY POLICY: I will never rent, sell or trade your name to anyone for any reason. Thank you for trusting me with your personal information.

Be the change you want to see in the world.

—Mahatma Gandhi

LET THERE BE PEACE ON EARTH AND LET IT BEGIN WITH ME.

With the current problems in the Middle East many of us are wondering if there will ever be peace in that area. And many of us are despairing since Peace on Earth seems way beyond our reach. But I believe there is hope as long as there are many people focusing on doing what they can to create peace in their own backyards. If each person took responsibility for creating peace in his or her own heart, mind and spirit I think we could create the miracle needed to create peace in the world.
Everyone realizes that achieving world peace would be a monumental achievement. We all know it would require significant changes in the way our governments are conducted. But it would also require each and every one of us to make significant changes in the way we view those who have different religions and ideologies, the way we assign responsibility for our actions and the actions of others, and the way we conduct our daily lives.

At this point in our history not only does world peace seem improbable given the political, economic and ideological climate in our world, but peace at home seems to elude us. There has been a great deal of focus in our country on the rampant violence that continues to blight our existence, violence that robs us of precious loved ones, that ignites hatred and retaliation and that continues to baffle and confuse us. For years we've been troubled by gang violence and in the past several years we have experienced another reason to have concern for our youth-the senseless school violence that has occurred. We continue to suffer from racial violence, and hate crimes against homosexuals has been on the rise.

A good starting point is to ask ourselves the question posed by Rabbi Michael Lerner, editor of Tikkun Magazine: "What is it in the way that we are living, organizing our societies, and treating each other that makes violence plausible to so many people?"
Part of the answer to this question must include the way we treat our children and the way we allow our children to be treated. From my many years of study and experience working with those who were abused or neglected as children, I have learned that those who are mistreated perpetuate a culture of violence by either becoming victims or victimizers. Research clearly shows that those who have been abused either absorb abuse or pass it on. For example, we know that a majority of those in prison for violent crimes were emotionally, physically or sexually abused as children. We also know that those who were abused as children will tend to either abuse their own children or to attract a mate who will abuse their children. And we know that a majority of men who batter and women who are battered by their spouses were abused as children.

Having made the connection between childhood abuse and adult abuse and violence, we need only expand this knowledge to help us understand the violence that occurs in our communities. Children who are neglected or abused are far more likely to become either bullies in school or the victims of bullies and we have learned that those who endured merciless taunting and bullying from other children are often the ones who resort to violence.

It is not only abusive and neglectful parents who are responsible for perpetuating our culture of violence but all of us who stand by and allow this abuse and neglect to continue. We may tell ourselves that the current violence has nothing to do with the way we treat our children or the way we have refused to see the suffering of so many children, but this doesn't make it true. Deep in our hearts many people know that our children are in deep trouble and that unless we take steps toward helping them we will continue to raise generations of violent children.

Another part of the answer is the fact that we have allowed so many people to live in poverty while others flaunt their wealth. We may tell ourselves that our ability to close our ears when told that one out of every three people on this planet does not have enough food, and that one billion are literally starving has nothing to do with the terrorist attacks that have blighted our nation and the world. But when children are raised in circumstances where no one is there to take care of them, or where they live by begging or selling their bodies in prostitution, where they are treated as though they are less valuable and deserving of respect because they are part of some despised nation or ethnic group, we will continue to produce a world-wide population of people who are either violently angry or unable to take care of themselves. We will also continue to produce people who are poisoned with envy as they observe on a daily basis how much more others have than they do. This envy will inevitably turn to hate as they realize that those who have so much more don't seem to deserve it or to appreciate what they have.

Poverty and the neglect and abuse of the children of the world are only two of the reasons for our violent world. There are many others, including:

• the fact that we are out of touch with ourselves-out of touch with our feelings and our own faults and shortcomings;

• our intolerance of those who are different from us;

• our inability to listen to others and to feel the pain of others;

• our insistence on being "right" instead of being willing to listen with open hearts and open minds to those who have opposing views;

• the fact that we continue to expose our children to excessive violence on television and in movies;

• our willingness to continue supporting a media that extols the rich and beautiful and that makes everyone who is not economically successful and conventionally "beautiful" feel bad about themselves;

• continuing to teach our children by word and example to only "look out for number one" instead of teaching them empathy and compassion for others.

How We Begin To Achieve Peace On Earth

Peace begins within each individual. It begins by each person coming to appreciate the differences between people instead of fearing them. It begins with each person committing to the values of tolerance, empathy and compassion. Most important, peace begins when each person comes to know, deep in their heart, that the things they despise, fear and hate in others are qualities that lie buried deep inside themselves.
Peace begins in each family. It begins by each parent taking responsibility for breaking the cycle of abuse and neglect that has been passed down from generation to generation. It begins when each parent comes to view his or her children as unique individuals who have the right to their feelings, preferences and perceptions. It begins when family members learn to really listen to one another, to apologize to one another and to forgive one another. The reason people become violent is the same reason they become abusive-because they have been abused, because they have been ignored, because they have been shamed. When we stop the neglect and abuse in our families, we take one giant step toward stopping the violence in our culture.

Peace begins in our community. It begins when we teach our children to accept the differences between people and when we model this acceptance in our daily lives. It begins when we no longer continue to believe that our church, our political party, our beliefs are superior to those of others. It begins when we agree to meet in small discussion groups or circles to discuss our differences and to create solutions to our problems. It begins when we view a child=s anti-social actions as a cry for help and when we support a system in which first time offenders are asked to take responsibility for their actions, gain empathy for those they have harmed and make reparations instead of being merely being punished.

Peace begins in our country when we refuse to be divided because of our political beliefs. It begins when we start to have respect for the differences that make us such a rich country, when diversity is celebrated instead of scorned. It begins when we recognize that we are perpetuating violence with our strong-arm tactics throughout the world and when we begin to understand that the violence we project into the world through our movies and our music is bound to come back to us like a returning boomerang. Peace begins when we recognize that it is pure arrogance to assume that our way is the only way and that those in other countries who have different beliefs are wrong. It begins when we learn to listen to the views of those from other countries and other cultures and when we open our hearts to take in their views.

Peace in the world will come when we all treat one another as an equal, no better or worse than we are. It will come when we are no longer threatened by our differences because we are able to communicate our ideas freely and listen to one another with open hearts and open minds. It will come when we stop judging others for being selfish, cruel, controlling, narrow-minded, power-hungry, violent, and tyrannical and recognize that we are guilty of the same faults and shortcomings. It will come when we turn ourselves into a society in which social justice, love, and compassion are so prevalent that violence becomes only a distant memory.

Many people believe that this is one of those pivotal moments in history when we can change the world for the better if we bring wisdom actively to the for and apply it with diligence and clarity and if we engage in deep dialogue for the purpose of what Rumi has called, looking for the "root of the root" of our collective selves. Many spiritual teachings point to this as a time of great change and redemption.

There is a song that says, "We will have peace because we must." Because of continual terrorist attacks, the war in Iraq and now the escalating situation between Israel and Lebanon more and more people are forced to face how bad things have become. It has caused many to enter a period of reflection, to get back in touch with our common humanity. It will no doubt encourage many more people to join the efforts for peace.
In times of crisis people tend to put aside their petty differences for the common good. During times of crisis people also want to know what they can do to help. There is something that each one of us can do to create peace. We must start by examining the way we make enemies out of our loved ones, how we view our mates as opponents rather than allies, and how we teach our children to be either victims or victimizers. Then we must closely examine the ways we treat those who are different and our own tendency to judge and exclude others. Once we have cleaned up our own psyches and our own homes we can expand our efforts by becoming Ambassadors of Peace in our communities. By becoming role models for others, including our children, we can have a powerful effect on the world. By introducing and advocating dialogues and circles in our communities we can begin to really hear and understand one another and begin to end dissension and prejudice. By learning about alternatives to violence such as mediation, conflict resolution and restorative justice we can heal our wounds and replace revenge with justice.

We are not powerless to change our violent world. Each of us is capable of making real changes in the way we live our lives-changes that can make a significant contribution to changing the world.
 

“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.”

—Margaret Mead