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THE PAIN AND JOY OF TRAVELING

“A good marriage is one in which each partner appoints the other to be the guardian of his solitude…”
  — Rainer Maria Rilke

Traveling can be especially difficult for those who had an abusive or neglectful childhood. At the same time, traveling can often be a wonderful way to discover and develop one’s true self. Think about your traveling experiences. Would you say that traveling brings out the best or the worst in you?

Traveling can be extremely stressful for many people. Leaving one’s comfortable home environment, the pressure of having to catch planes or trains on time, being in unfamiliar settings—all these things can cause us to become anxious, tense, and insecure. For others, traveling can be more than simply stressful. It can be disorienting and can even cause a person to become emotionally fragile or explosive. For example, those who have borderline personality disorder (BPD) or borderline traits often have a lot of difficulty adjusting to a new environment. Change of any kind can be stressful since they do not have a strong sense of self—an internal awareness of who you are and how you fit into the world. In addition, those with BPD or borderline tendencies (an estimated 6 million people in the United States alone) tend to walk around with a great deal of anxiety anyway. Add the stress of packing, leaving home, having to operate on someone else’s timetable and you have a situation that can be extremely trying for someone with BPD.

Unfortunately, those with BPD or BPD traits do not tend to look inside themselves in order to discover why they are feeling so anxious or uncomfortable. Instead, they tend to look outside themselves and to blame those who are closest to them for their discomfort. This is often why many couples fight so much when they are on vacation. One or both people is feeling anxious and stressed out and they take it out on each other. I remember that when I was in my early twenties I always fought with boyfriends whenever we went on vacation together. My tendency to feel unhappy on vacations and to pick fights with my partners was a clear sign of my own borderline tendencies at the time.

Do you tend to have arguments with those you are traveling with, especially in the beginning of the trip, en route to your destination, and when you first arrive? If so it may be because you are anxious about being away from home and your usual routine. You may even feel a bit disoriented since home and routine tend to ground us.

Some who suffer from BPD become depressed when they travel. I’ve had many clients who consistently find that they feel sad, afraid, withdrawn and even shut down when they first get to a new environment. For this reason I recommend that they try to make as few changes of environment as possible when they travel. Instead of moving around from hotel room to hotel room they find that they feel much more secure staying in one location and exploring from there. That way they have fewer changes to adjust to.

Some people find fault in their traveling companion because they are anxious about spending a concentrated amount of time with someone. This may involve a fear of engulfment or entrapment. If you find that you have a pattern of becoming irritable and critical of your partner when you travel, you may suffer from this unconscious fear. Some pick a fight in an unconscious attempt to get some distance from their partner, while others withdraw in silence. Instead of falling into this pattern, recognize your irritability, withdrawal and tendency to be critical for what they are—indications that you need time and distance from the relationship. Tell your partner you need some time to yourself and then take it. Go for a walk or go into another room and write in your journal. Unless your partner is terribly insecure or is a control freak, he or she will respect your need and you will get a chance to regain your sense of self.

It is important that you set aside time when you travel to connect with yourself. We experience surroundings differently when we are alone versus when we are sharing the experience with someone else. When we are with another person we can become distracted by his or her reactions to the environment, we can get involved in conversation and miss things, or we can focus so much on our partner that we lose the awareness of our own reaction. Get up early some morning and take a walk alone when you travel. Let your walk become a moving meditation, a time to clear your head and connect with your emotions and your spirit. As you take in the fresh air allow your mind to clear from all the superfluous chatter and minutiae of your daily life. Notice the colors and textures, the smells and sounds around you.

If you tend to lose yourself in relationships spending time alone will help you regain or establish a stronger sense of self. You need time alone to discover who you really are, to learn to rely on yourself, to learn to like your own company, and to break your tendency to merge with others. (For more help on ways to stop losing yourself in your relationships, refer to my book, Loving Him without Losing You).

Traveling can force people together in ways that can become uncomfortable. Familiarity can indeed breed contempt if one or both partners has a tendency to lose themselves in a relationship and then to suffer from a fear of engulfment. If you suspect that the reason your partner is irritable, critical or withdrawn is because he or she needs some space from the relationship, suggest that he or she take a walk or offer to do so yourself. Instead of participating in an argument that you suspect is merely a distancing tactic, get away from your partner for a short time until he or she cools off or gets needed space.

On the other hand, for some people, traveling can be a prescription for growth and healing. For example, those who were raised by narcissistic parents find that they benefit greatly from traveling. I have always found this to be true. As I wrote in Healing Your Emotional Self, today I am at my best when I travel, especially when I travel alone. I feel excited and open and independent. My personality takes on a subtle but profound change. I’m more friendly than I am at home. I am more open to meeting and talking to strangers. I feel more energy and I take greater risks.

For adult children of narcissistic parents, experiences such as travel confront what we are taught to believe. Travel teaches us how people can live in non-narcissistic ways. . As Elan Golomb so eloquently wrote in her classic book, Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in Their Struggle for Self: “Children of narcissists benefit from stepping into the unknown of any type, be it people, reading, growing things, experimenting, playing instruments. It can be a trip to a place so far from parental judgment that it makes you feel beyond your parent’s reach, so far that you can try out different ways of being.”

As you continue to work on yourself you will find that traveling becomes easier and easier. I was pleasantly surprised at how much more enjoyable my most recent traveling experiences have been and how much better I handled even stressful situations. I could really see my growth. In the past I often felt uncomfortable unless there was a conversation going on when I had a travel companion. Looking back I think I must have talked way too much and tired out my partner. In time I learned that silence was not as frightening as I had imagined. As I developed a stronger sense of self to fill up the emptiness inside, I found that silence was a welcome opportunity to connect with myself and my feelings. In the past I also tended to feel trapped while traveling with a companion. I’d begin to notice their faults and find that I was growing more and more impatient with the person, causing me to become more distant (it is a common paradox for those with borderline tendencies to feel both afraid of abandonment and entrapment, sometimes at the same time). During my recent trip to Sedonna with a friend I noticed that I did not experience either fear—I welcomed silence but could also be patient when my companion needed to talk, even when I could have welcomed more silence. I took time alone when I needed it and took responsibility for any anxiety that I felt.

I was also quite proud of myself when I went to India and Nepal in December of 2004. While many on the tour became irritable with one another or gossiped about each other I was able to stay connected to myself enough to manage my own anxiety instead of projecting it onto others. I flowed naturally between connecting with others and connecting inside myself.

I hope your travels go well this summer. Don’t forget to take time for yourself and to continue your recovery work, whatever form it takes. We can’t afford to take a vacation from our work on ourselves.

“How do we find what is important for us? It is not enough for children of narcissists to follow the marked trail that others lay before them. Strength develops out of fighting with our handicaps. We evolve from struggling to cope with our difficulties.”
— Elan Golomb, Trapped in the Mirror

Our first One-Day Retreat Honoring Women’s Spirituality, “Gather the Women and Save the World” in San Luis Obispo, CA was a big success. Feedback on the event was overwhelmingly positive and we were able to raise about $4000 for the Women’s Press. Because of this success we have decided to continue to offer workshops on a monthly basis, our first workshop being one led by myself on “How to Create and Sustain a Women’s Circle.” For more information and specific dates go to www.womenspress-slo.org or call (805)-801-8168.

For those professionals reading this e-zine, I highly recommend The American Psychotherapy Association’s 2006 National Conference in Orlando, Florida, Sept. 21-23rd. For more information call (800) 205-9165