WORKING TOGETHER TO CREATE AN ABUSE-FREE FUTURE
10/8/2008
Publisher: Beverly Engel
www.beverlyengel.com

Hello everyone,

As many of you know, October is Domestic Violence Awareness month. At Domestic Violence Solutions, where I am the new Executive Director, we are planning a full month's activities to commemorate the month. For those of you who live in the Santa Barbara area, Santa Maria or Lompoc, be sure you scroll down to the calendar listing at the end of this ezine.

Many of the activities we have planned center around my newest book, The Nice Girl Syndrome: Stop Being Manipulated and Abused---and Start Standing Up for Yourself. The reason for this is two-fold. First of all, the book has a lot to do with how Nice Girls attract people who are controlling and manipulative and how this can lead to them being emotionally or physically abused in their relationships. Second, the book and the publicity it garners, brings attention to our agency and the wonderful work we do. Also, if you go to our website: www.dvsolutions.org and order the book, Amazon pays us a stipend for each book sold.

In the News from Beverly segment I will include announcements of upcoming events, workshops or conferences relevant to the treatment or prevention of abuse. Feel free to send me announcements you feel readers will find of interest. I cannot guarantee I can include them all but I will do my best to include what I feel is relevant. I will also announce my own upcoming workshops and books. I ask that you order books directly from Amazon.com or Barnes and Noble.com as I do not sell individual books directly to readers. If you would like to attend a workshop, feel free to email me directly at beverly@beverlyengel.com.

Please forward this ezine to anyone you know who is interested in preventing or healing childhood emotional, physical or sexual abuse or emotional, physical or sexual abuse in adult relationships. If you are receiving this issue as a forward, and would like your own no-cost subscription please follow the instructions at the end of this newsletter.

PRIVACY POLICY: I will never rent, sell or trade your name to anyone for any reason. Thank you for trusting me with your personal information.

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HOW DID WE GET SO NICE?
By Beverly Engel

The first problem for all of us, men and women, is not to learn, but to unlearn.

Gloria Steinem

What are the causes of the Nice Girl Syndrome? There are many causes, many of which I discuss in The Nice Girl Syndrome. But generally speaking, there are four major origins for Nice Girl behavior.

• Biological predisposition.
• Cultural beliefs passed on to a child by the culture or society in which she is raised.
• Familial beliefs passed on to a child by her family, either directly or by witnessing parental and other family members behavior.
• Experiential beliefs a child forms as a result of her personal experiences, including childhood trauma.

Biological. Women are hard-wired to be patient, compassionate, and to value connection over confrontation. In her landmark studies, Harvard University professor Carol Gilligan came to the conclusion that what has previously been considered "female passivity" is often the female's need to seek a solution that is most inclusive of everyone's needs-"as an act of care rather than the restraint of aggression."

Most recently, another landmark UCLA study suggests that women actually have a larger behavioral repertoire than the "fight or flight" responses males are limited to. When the hormone oxytocin is released as part of the stress response in a woman, it buffers the fight or flight response and encourages her to tend to children and gather with other women.

Societal: Girls are typically socialized to be polite, appropriate, pleasant and agreeable-all the personality traits that characterize Nice Girls. For centuries, being nice was often synonymous with being female. Girls were supposed to be "Sugar and spice and everything nice." Unfortunately, even today the feminine ideal tends to be to please others, be selfless, nice, pretty, and to make oneself the object of someone else's life.

In order to attain this culturally prescribed ideal a teenage girl must put away a great many parts of herself. She stops speaking out and expressing her feelings. Instead, she focuses on trying to please others, especially those of the opposite sex.

Familial: Your family passed down to you certain messages and beliefs. These include everything from the way people should treat one another to the role women play in a family. These messages and beliefs have a powerful influence on your thinking and behavior and help shape who you are today.

For example, Janine was raised in a home where females were viewed as second-class citizens. Her father was considered to be the head of the household and he made all the decisions. Her mother never contradicted him. Janine and her sisters were expected to serve her father and brothers the best cuts of meat and to save plenty of food for them in case they wanted seconds. Janine had to ask her father's permission before she and her mother could buy her school clothes or books and she had to get his okay before she went out with her friends, even if it was just to play in the backyard.

What did Janine learn from her parent's messages and beliefs? She learned that as a female she was inferior to men. She learned to be passive and to not trust her own judgment. She also learned that it was okay for a man to dominate her. She ended up marrying just such a man. Today Janine has to ask her husband's permission before she goes out with her female friends from work. She has to ask his permission to spend money. Janine learned to be a victim from both her father and her mother.

There are several common types of family situations that can set a woman up to a Nice Girl. These include:

• Having a passive mother
• Having an abusive or tyrannical father or older brother
• Being raised in a misogynistic family.
• Having parents who place a high value on being fair, compassionate, and nice.

For example, the first false belief, that other people's feelings and needs are more important than one's own, usually comes from being taught this at home. This belief may have been modeled by a passive or co-dependent mother who sacrificed herself for her family or husband, never considering that she had needs of her own. A girl growing up with such a mother can easily receive the message that to be a good woman, a good wife or a good mother, she must put her own needs aside and focus solely on the needs of others.

Another way that a woman may have received this message is if she had a selfish or narcissistic parent who considered his or her needs to be all-important and who ignored the needs of his or her child. A child raised in this environment often comes to believe that her happiness lies in fulfilling the needs of others.

Experiential: It is quite common for Nice Girls to have experienced physical, emotional or sexual abuse in their childhood or as adults. Abuse and neglect tend to create certain unhealthy attitudes and beliefs that set women up to be Nice Girls and often, victims. For example, those who end up becoming a Nice Girl or taking on a victim stance tend to:

1. Blame themselves when something goes wrong.
2. Believe their needs are not as important as those of others.
3. Doubt themselves, including doubting their perceptions, their knowledge and their beliefs.
4. Be overly trusting of others, even when someone has proven to be untrustworthy.
5. Be naïve when it comes to the motives of others.
6. Believe they should attempt to meet the needs of others (especially those of their partner and children) no matter what the consequences or hardships to themselves and that their own needs are not as important as those of others. In addition to these four major sources of the Nice Girl Syndrome there are other causes as well:

The Top Ten Reasons Women Tend to be Too Nice

1. They are afraid that unless they are nice, others will not like them.
2. They are afraid that if they aren't nice others won't be nice to them.
3. They are afraid of confrontation and conflict.
4. They are afraid of being rejected or abandoned by those they love.
5. They are afraid of being ostracized from their social circle of other women.
6. They are afraid of their anger, of what they might do if they get in touch with it.
7. They are afraid of becoming like an abusive parent.
8. They are afraid of being seen as too "masculine."
9. They are afraid of being called a "bitch" or a "ball-breaker."
10. They are afraid that if they aren't nice men will not protect them and provide for them.

The Fear Factor

As we can see, fear is the predominant factor here. Why are women so fearful? There are a multitude of reasons, many of which center around the mere fact that as females we are the "weaker" sex, at least physically. The truth is that most men are bigger and stronger than most women and for this very reason, women are often intimidated by men. We aren't necessarily conscious of this on an everyday basis, but the fear is there, nevertheless. It is similar to how a small dog feels next to a large dog. The two dogs can coexist on a day-to-day basis and even play and romp with one another. But make no mistake about it, the smaller dog knows his limits. He knows that if the larger dog wanted to, he could overpower him.

The other factor, closely related to the size differential, is that men carry a built-in weapon they can use against women-their penis. Most men don't think of their penis as a weapon, and most women don't either. But nevertheless, an erect penis can be used to penetrate, harm and dominate a woman. Again, it isn't that women consciously think of this on a day-to-day basis, but the inherent fear is there on an unconscious level. These two physical factors influence a woman's thinking and feeling on a subconscious basis. We know that our very safety is dependent on the good will of men. If we cross them, if we make them angry, we are risking being physically reprimanded. While most men do not use their physical advantage against women, the possibility and the threat, is ever present.

The other reason for women's inherent fear is our history of being dominated by men. Throughout human history physical force has been used to keep subordinate groups in their place by more dominant forces in society. Men have always been physically larger and stronger than most women, and most societies have been male dominated. Because of this, for centuries, women have been frequent victims of physical assault and intimidation by men and have, in response been afraid of men.

In ancient Roman times, a man was allowed by law to chastise, divorce, or kill his wife for adultery, or even for attending public games. During the Middle Ages, a man's right to beat his wife was beyond question, yet a woman could be burned alive for so much as threatening her husband.

It took centuries before any real efforts were made to curtail the problem. Few people viewed violence in the home as a problem. The common notion-in Britain and America in the past-and in many societies today such as India and Africa, a woman is not a full human being, but considered property, first of her father, then of her husband.

And the third reason girls and women are so afraid is the fact that we continue to be dominated and abused by men. Although much has been done to alleviate domestic violence and child sexual abuse, the fact is that these two crimes are still rampant in every culture in the world. Women are still being physically and emotionally abused by their husbands in record numbers and the rate of childhood sexual abuse is still climbing. Once a girl or woman has been abused, either emotionally, physically or sexually she is overwhelmed by fear and shame. In fact, for many women, their very life is characterized by the fear that they will once again be victimized. Although this would never be done on a conscious level, what better way to keep a female child down than to sexually molest her?

These fears are at the core of most, if not all, of the false beliefs that cause the Nice Girl Syndrome. For example, many women are unable to leave abusive relationships, even though they know they should. But the reason they stay isn't because they are weak or stupid or because they are masochists who want to be mistreated. It is because they are afraid. And they are afraid for all the reasons I have written about above.

If you are a woman who is often perplexed by her nice girl behavior, reminding yourself of these fears will help you to: 1) understand yourself better, 2) not be so critical of yourself and hopefully 3) feel more motivated to change.

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BEVERLY'S NEWS

The Nice Girl Syndrome came out in July and is selling very well. I am receiving lots of positive emails from women who have been manipulated and abused all their lives and now feel they have the tools to stand up for themselves. It is also a very good book for young women who need to be empowered to put their own needs first and to not expect perfection from themselves. You can find the book in your local bookstore or you can order it from Amazon.com or Barnes and Noble.com. I appreciate your support.

• Redbook article-Check out October's Redbook magazine for an article on emotional abuse entitled "Invisible Violence." I was interviewed for the article and am quoted a few times. It is an excellent article and I recommend it highly.
• Check out my "blog" on the Psychology Today website. It is entitled "The Compassion Chronicles." http://blogs.psychologytoday.com

ANNOUNCEMENTS

Redbook Article

Check out October's Redbook magazine for an article on emotional abuse entitled "Invisible Violence." I was interviewed for the article and am quoted a few times. It is an excellent article and I recommend it highly.

Blog

Check out my "blog" on the Psychology Today website. It is entitled "The Compassion Chronicles." http://blogs.psychologytoday.com

• Many of you have asked when I will be speaking next. If you live in Southern, Northern or Central California you can hear me speak at the following venues:

CALENDAR OF EVENTS FOR OCTOBER DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AWARENESS MONTH

October 5 "High Esteem Tea" Santa Barbara

Four Seasons Biltmore Resort
2-4 PM
Tickets $50.00

Call (805) 963-4458 for reservations.

DVS Executive Director Beverly Engel will discuss and sign her new book The Nice Girl Syndrome: Stop Being Manipulated and Abused and Start Standing Up for Yourself

October 9 Recovering From Domestic Violence-Speakers and Candlelight Vigil.

Santa Maria

Shepard Hall at the Santa Maria Library 6:00-8:00 PM Donation

DVS Executive Director Beverly Engel will speak on her new book, The Nice Girl Syndrome: Stop Being Manipulated and Abused and Start Standing Up For Yourself and we will have both a survivor and a recovering abuser speak. Refreshments will be served.

There will also be a candlelight vigil on the lawn at City Hall-corner of Broadway and Cook Street.

October 14 The Cultural Aspects of Domestic Violence Santa Barbara

Screening of New Zealand film, "Once Were Warriors," a film about domestic violence in the indigenous Maori community. Panel discussion afterward with a focus on the issue of domestic violence in the Latina/Latino community.

October 15 Candlelight Vigil UCSB Campus, Santa Barbara

October 23 "Girls Night Out" Santa Maria

Santa Maria Country Club 5:00-7:00 PM $25.00

Executive Director Beverly Engel will discuss and sign her book, "The Nice Girl Syndrome. " Hors d'oeuvres and wine, male "celebrity" waiters, and lots of fun!

October 29 Domestic Violence Candlelight Vigil and Silent Witness Ceremony Lompoc

Allan Hancock College-Lompoc Campus Student Center 7:00 PM

October 22 Author's Event Featuring Beverly Engel, Executive Director of Domestic Violence Solutions Lompoc

Lompoc Public Library 6:00-7:00 PM Donations welcome

Beverly will discuss her latest book, The Nice Girl Syndrome. Book signing and refreshments.

Please call (805) 963-4458 for more information and reservations.

I hope you enjoyed this issue of Working Together to Create an Abuse-Free Future.

Beverly Engel

To find out more about Beverly Engel, go to http://www.beverlyengel.com

Working Together, copyright, Beverly Engel. All rights reserved.

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