WORKING TOGETHER TO CREATE AN ABUSE-FREE FUTURE
10/1/07
Publisher: Beverly Engel
www.beverlyengel.com

Hello everyone,

In July I spent three weeks in Australia and New Zealand where I had a wonderful time. Australia is an exciting, dynamic place—a world tour in itself. You can experience beautiful Sydney harbor and Bondhi Beach one day, a rainforest the next, a desert that rivals Sedona, Arizona the next and a tropical paradise the next. New Zealand is also gorgeous, much more laid back with wonderfully friendly people. One of my purposes in going to Australia was to attend the Gather the Women Conference in Sydney, Australia, where I presented a talk entitled, "The Role Women Can Play in Breaking the Cycle of Abuse." I'll include an outline of the talk in this month's article.

I am relieved to say that I have finished yet another book-yes I know, I am prolific. What can I say? I’m full of it! (Ha, ha). The title of the book is The Nice Girl Syndrome and it is for any woman who is finding that others take advantage of her tendency to be patient, compassionate and giving. It will be out next spring.

In the News from Beverly segment I will include announcements of upcoming events, workshops or conferences relevant to the treatment or prevention of abuse. Feel free to send me announcements you feel readers will find of interest. I cannot guarantee I can include them all but I will do my best to include what I feel is relevant. I will also announce my own upcoming workshops and books. I ask that you order books directly from Amazon.com or BarnesandNoble.com as I do not sell individual books directly to readers. If you would like to attend a workshop, feel free to email me directly at beverly@beverlyengel.com.

Please forward this ezine to anyone you know who is interested in preventing or healing childhood emotional, physical or sexual abuse or emotional, physical or sexual abuse in adult relationships. If you are receiving this issue as a forward, and would like your own no-cost subscription please follow the instructions at the end of this newsletter.

PRIVACY POLICY: I will never rent, sell or trade your name to anyone for any reason. Thank you for trusting me with your personal information.

Gather the Women Conference

            I received more than a much-needed vacation when I went to Australia and New Zealand. I got a better understanding of what is going on with women in the rest of the world. At the Gather the Women conference we heard from women all over the world—Africa, the Middle East, and Asia—and they told us about the hardships that women still suffer in these countries.

            Although most of the Gather the Women conferences in the past have had a spiritual theme, at this conference it became evident that the common denominator—the number one problem that women all over the world are still concerned about—is violence against women and children. This awareness moved the organizer of the Australian Conference to recommend that a conference on Violence Against Women be organized in Australia in 2008. I gladly agreed to be the keynote speaker.

            Another disturbing fact came out of my trip. While I was in Australia I heard about a scandal that is occurring there.  It seems that child sexual abuse is rampant among Aboriginal people and that it has gotten so out of hand that the government has stepped in. Alcoholism is being blamed for the problem but those who have had contact with the Aborgines in Australia say that is also about the fact that the men feel angry and disempowered because of colonization. Like American Indians, the Aboriginal people had their land and their freedom taken from them. The Aboriginal people believe that it was the white man who brought child sexual abuse to their culture. Aboriginal people also report that they have been treated much like black people have in this country. For years, the men were beaten up on a regular basis and the women raped.

            In New Zealand I was surprised to discover that they have one of the highest rates of child abuse and domestic violence in the world. This is quite surprising since New Zealand is so forward-thinking on most issues. I'm not quite sure why rates of abuse are so high there. Domestic violence is high among the Maori people and this can once again be due to the rage and disempowerment that came from colonization, but all forms of abuse are also high in the white population. Much to their credit, New Zealand has established superior treatment programs for domestic violence as well as for treatment of sex offenders.

Here is the outline of my presentation at the Gather the Women Conference.

THE ROLE WOMEN CAN PLAY IN BREAKING THE CYCLE OF VIOLENCE
AGAINST WOMEN AND CHILDREN
By Beverly Engel. M.F.T.

 Women can play a powerful role in protecting themselves and their children from abuse. I have created a comprehensive program that can help each woman to make a significant difference in her own and her children's lives. Based on my thirty years of working with both victims and perpetrators of emotional, physical and sexual abuse, this program was designed to educate and empower women to become a strong force in stopping abuse.

This program includes seven major aspects, including:

The first step will be for each person to become better educated about the issues of domestic violence and child abuse. For example, around the world, at least 1 in every 3 women have been beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused in her lifetime. An epidemic of child molestation is spreading across America yet few people are aware that 100,000 children are molested a year—1  in 3 girls and 1 in 6 boys. The problem of child sexual abuse is even more serious in countries outside the United States.

2.      Expose and work past our denial.

The primary way that adults can protect children from child abuse is by coming out of denial about their own abuse experiences. Those who were abused as children are far more likely to become romantically involved with men who will abuse them or their children. Many adults are in denial about the fact that they were abused and so do not seek the treatment they need. Even those who remember being abused remain in denial in the sense that they refuse to believe it could happen to their own children. Many allow their own children to be around the very person who abused them (their father, their grandfather, a sibling).

3.      Learn the warning signs that someone is likely to become abusive.  

There are certain red flags that can help women identify potential batterers. Every woman should learn these red flags in order to prevent her from bringing a batterer into her and her children's lives.

4.      Become educated about how abuse gets passed on.  

Another one of our blind spots is that we fail to recognize the fact that those who have been abused often become abusers themselves. For example, children who are sexually abused are far more likely to become molesters than those who were not abused and child-on-child sexual abuse is growing faster than any other form of sexual abuse. Almost half of all sex offenders are under 18. .

5.  Examine what works and what doesn't work as far as protecting our children is concerned.

For example, it has become abundantly clear that we must do more than warn our children about talking to strangers, more than teach them the difference between good touch and bad touch. Parents must learn to talk to their children very early on about sex in general and sexual abuse in particular. Because they are bombarded daily with sex on television, in videos and at the movies, most children know far more about sex than their parents care to admit. Even more alarming to most parents, children are engaging in sexual activities at very early ages. Putting off having sex talks with children can be  dangerous.

6.      Help abused women gain the strength to walk away from abusive people.

Once a woman has been emotionally, physically or sexually abused by her partner she begins to question her perceptions, she loses her sense of self, and her ability to act on her own behalf.  Instead of judging women who stay in abusive relationships or labeling them masochists, we need to make a better effort to support them in gaining the strength to leave.

7.      Change the negative attitudes and beliefs that create a victim mentality in women and girls.

Unfortunately, girls in most societies are still socialized to be polite, appropriate and agreeable, qualities that directly interfere with their ability to stand up for themselves. Aggression is still viewed as impeding a girl's ability to be caring and "nice" and a threat to relationships. 

BEVERLY'S NEWS

If you have someone in your life who seems like two different people—someone who acts one way to the outside world and a totally different way when he or she is with you, or if your partner or parent has radical mood swings, pick up my latest book   THE JEKYLL AND HYDE SYNDROME: What to Do If Someone in Your Life Has a Dual Personality—Or If You Do .

Look for it at your local bookstore or order it from Amazon.com or Barnes and Noble. com

Here's what Randi Kreger, founder of BPDCentral.com and co-author of Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back when Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder says about the The Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome: 

"Living with a Jekyll and Hyde, forever walking on eggshells, is no way to live. It takes its toll physically and mentally, whether the person's problem is Borderline Personality Disorder or something else. In this exciting new book, Engel gives hope to millions by showing them how to get off the emotional roller coaster no matter what the situation is."

ANNOUNCEMENTS

• I’m sorry I didn’t give you notice but I hope some of you found the feature article on worry in the August issue of the Oprah Magazine. My advice about worry is included along with other experts such as Martha Beck, Suze Orman, and Dr. Oz.
   

• I’ll be on the following radio and podcast shows in October talking about The Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome:
   

• Wednesday, Oct 3   11:30 AM (PST)

       KAHI Sacramento, CA

The Popoff Radio Show—30 minute live show. 

• Monday, Oct 8   2:00-3PM (PST)

            www.contacttalkradio.com

            “Manifesting Miracles in Your Life”

            The Christina Marino Show (podcast) 

• Monday, Oct 15   11:00 AM-12 Noon (PST)

www.therelationshipadvantage.com 

“Relationships for Life”  Live Show 

Joseph Dooley and Sabra Brock

WORKSHOPS AND CONFERENCES

 I will be presenting a workshop on The Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome at this year’s

APA (American Psychotherapy Association) Conference in Kansas City, Missouri.

Dates: October 4-6, 2007
Location: Hyatt Regency Hotel, Kansas City, Missouri
For more information call: (800) 423-9737